A letter to my sailor

Have you ever heard the saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I think I have actually discovered the truth in this saying.

You say that I'm strong but don't see me struggle everyday...You miss the tears, and many nights of tossing and turning or staying up late wondering what you're doing; You know you're safe and I sit up and worry until I get an email and am overjoyed to hear your voice. Yes, I knew this wasn't going to be easy; and yes I do get mad at you sometimes because I feel so helpless. You're not having to deal with what I'm having to deal with, but yet you are.....I love and miss you so much...every where I look I see you. Every song I hear; I hear you singing it to me. There are days where I just want to lay around and do nothing but can't because I have no help with our child.

You say I'm strong but I feel so weak.

I stay up late at night just to talk to you and get up early just to talk to you. I check my email and phone more than once an hour just to see if you sent an email; when I get up I immediately check my email or my phone to see if I have an email. Sometimes I wonder if I email to much or to little.

You say I am strong, but yet I feel so weak, You say I can do it and I don't think I can because it hurts like hell to do this all alone. I just have to keep telling myself that you didn't want to leave and you didn't choose to leave but you had to for your job. Everytime someone tells me thank you for what I do and I am beyond words and go straight into tears because I know the sacrifies now that all the other wives had to make when their husbands went away to war. I think about why and am filled with so much pride because I know you are out there somewhere making a difference in the world, in peoples lives. I know that through every storm, toil, tear, and heartache you will return to me as the man I love. To the Navy you might be just one person but to me you are everything, You are my hero.

In the almost 6 years that we have been together the hardest part was walking away and leaving you on August 27, 2010 not because I wanted to but because I had to. It took everything that I had to not to try to jump out of the car and run into your arms like I wanted to so badly. Honestly I think I could have made it to you even with everyone holding me back. The hardest part was watching you go....and seeing the hurt in your eyes...and not being able to do anything to make you feel better....It was letting the man go that I love and need more than anything in the world go....and trusting you to keep your word to come back to me safe and sound. It was trusting in God that he would give me the strength that I would need to get through the next months while you are away.

Sometimes I hurt so much that it's hard to explain. I have gone through so much, but yet felt so strong, but this time something is different. I don't feel as strong without you. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. Even being hundreds even thousands of miles away I know a part of me is always touching you. In your eyes I am perfect the way I am. In your eyes I am beautiful even if I don't feel like I am...In your eyes I am everything I understand that now...because you are the same to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you and miss you so much that it hurts; makes me restless most of the time. You are my life Zachary Alan Roche. I would change it for the world

Oklahoma!!!!!!

Wow it's been a while since I last blogged well we are now in Oklahoma. We've been very busy visiting family and keeping busy. We've been having so much fun and everyone is spoiling Lucas. It's hard to believe that he's 5 months old already he's not my little newborn boy anymore and I think it's finally hitting me that he can actually move around without my help now. I honestly do not know how much longer I can go without talking to Zach; this river city thing needs to stop I was supposed to get a phone call but still haven't recieved on yet. I think I'm going to go crazy but that's why I've been keeping myself busy. Lucas is getting a lot of new things as well. Today he got a new carseat and some new clothes and Thursday his grandma and grandpa got him some new toys. Oh my my is he getting spoiled. He's almost to big to fit in his 3/6 month onseys. I'm so proud of him though. Well I think I'm going to get off here and go to sleep because I have a lot of sleeping to catch up on because only sleeping for 13 to 17 hours in 4 weeks isn't a lot.....Missing my one and only forever and always....

home and I have you in my arms yet once again I love you.

they will be true yet once again and I will have my forever and always love. I can't wait counting down the months DCFN ROCHE can't wait until you come

onversations and made decisions but I still have a lot to think about really.
I'll always be seeing him in my dreams because I know one day soon that

im so much but I have to keep strong for the both of us because if I don't stay strong then Zach won't. These part few weeks we've had some interesting c

it. I always look forward to the emails that I recieve and if I only recieve one that day I.o happy because I know he's doing his job. I love and miss h

I've lost a lot of sleep here lately but it's well worth every minute of it. Yes sleep would be nice but talking to my one and only true love is so worth

Losing my mind

Sitting here looking at this picture now I thinkto myself, "what am I going to do now?" I really think I'm about to lose my mind with each day that passes by I feel like I also lose a part of myself as well. I can't put my finger on it but I have a very dull aching in my chest that I've never had before. Oh how my heart yearns for more time with you but you have to do your job.....WE WILL SURVIVE THIS I keep thinking and hearing in my head but it's so hard to try to stay strong without loosing it I don't know whether to cry, or scream at the top of my lungs because I desperately and selfishly do not want him to leave us. I think I'm actually scared to death to think about it....I've been putting it off to tell the truth I DO NOT want to cry; but if other spouses can endure this kind of sadness and pain then I can and will survive this just have to keep telling myself day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second that's all I can do. I also keep telling myself this is his job, this is what he signed up for, and you're expected to be strong for you and him and take care of your little boy.

How do you explain to a little child why daddy went away not that he will understand but he notices daddy isn't there and hasn't been there for a while how do you explain that? I guess I'm just going to have to say daddy went away to help people but he will be home really soon and everything is going to be okay because mommy is still here with you and not going anywhere.

This is just the life of a navy wife and child it's to be expected. They call military spouses heros of the home front or the silent rank because while they're out doing their job and serving our country we're here taking care of everything and holding it down until they come back. Yes I admit that things might be different when he comes back but I know that our love will still be the same and he will still be the same guy that I fell head over heels for in the first place. Nothing can ever change that(knock on wood). The only thing that will be different when he comes back is Lucas being bigger and being able to do so much more then he did when he left.....