Have you ever heard the saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I think I have actually discovered the truth in this saying.
You say that I'm strong but don't see me struggle everyday...You miss the tears, and many nights of tossing and turning or staying up late wondering what you're doing; You know you're safe and I sit up and worry until I get an email and am overjoyed to hear your voice. Yes, I knew this wasn't going to be easy; and yes I do get mad at you sometimes because I feel so helpless. You're not having to deal with what I'm having to deal with, but yet you are.....I love and miss you so much...every where I look I see you. Every song I hear; I hear you singing it to me. There are days where I just want to lay around and do nothing but can't because I have no help with our child.
You say I'm strong but I feel so weak.
I stay up late at night just to talk to you and get up early just to talk to you. I check my email and phone more than once an hour just to see if you sent an email; when I get up I immediately check my email or my phone to see if I have an email. Sometimes I wonder if I email to much or to little.
You say I am strong, but yet I feel so weak, You say I can do it and I don't think I can because it hurts like hell to do this all alone. I just have to keep telling myself that you didn't want to leave and you didn't choose to leave but you had to for your job. Everytime someone tells me thank you for what I do and I am beyond words and go straight into tears because I know the sacrifies now that all the other wives had to make when their husbands went away to war. I think about why and am filled with so much pride because I know you are out there somewhere making a difference in the world, in peoples lives. I know that through every storm, toil, tear, and heartache you will return to me as the man I love. To the Navy you might be just one person but to me you are everything, You are my hero.
In the almost 6 years that we have been together the hardest part was walking away and leaving you on August 27, 2010 not because I wanted to but because I had to. It took everything that I had to not to try to jump out of the car and run into your arms like I wanted to so badly. Honestly I think I could have made it to you even with everyone holding me back. The hardest part was watching you go....and seeing the hurt in your eyes...and not being able to do anything to make you feel better....It was letting the man go that I love and need more than anything in the world go....and trusting you to keep your word to come back to me safe and sound. It was trusting in God that he would give me the strength that I would need to get through the next months while you are away.
Sometimes I hurt so much that it's hard to explain. I have gone through so much, but yet felt so strong, but this time something is different. I don't feel as strong without you. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. Even being hundreds even thousands of miles away I know a part of me is always touching you. In your eyes I am perfect the way I am. In your eyes I am beautiful even if I don't feel like I am...In your eyes I am everything I understand that now...because you are the same to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you and miss you so much that it hurts; makes me restless most of the time. You are my life Zachary Alan Roche. I would change it for the world
