Emotional Roller coaster

The nightmares are back and haunting me more and more each time I have them...I keep asking myself why does he keep haunting me; it's to the point that I'm afraid to sleep even though I know he's dead; that brings some kind of peace but I will always be haunted by the memories that I have. I wish there were some way to make them go away; maybe one day that will be a reality, but for now this is my reality. I need to take charge but I don't know how; I keep telling myself that I will take charge this is my dream and this bastard has no place in it...I keep trying to piece together why they keep happening wishing I could have a different nightmare for once or not have an nightmare haunting me.

I finally told Zachary and it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to have the courage for I thought that I would never get through it...I couldn't even let him touch me because it was so bad the memories were so vivid....I flipped out before hand, because my mind was going places that I was afraid it would go...I still don't know how to cope my body is trying to shut down because I'm exhausted. I'm beyond afraid to go to sleep....I hope that he understands why I'm so screwed up, why I never feel good enough, why I think that I shouldn't be loved. Why I feel dirty right after we do anything. First it was my cousin and then it was him...I always ask how could God let this happen to me, Why did this happen to me....why didn't I do something. Hopefully one day I can make sense of it all and stop blaming myself even though Zachary is the only one that said it wasn't my fault; I still blame myself half the time thinking how could I do things differently to prevent it and then get angry.

I know I have my bad days because of my disorder but I'm trying to overcome that and trying to be strong, but I feel hopeless and helpless at this point I don't know what else to do but look within myself and try to cope with it. On the worst days I don't realize that I flip shit and my emotions flip so often and fast that I take it out on the people that mean the most to me.

Misunderstanding? Bitch I think not.

Some people really irk me especially those that say military spouses have it no different then any other spouse....Um yes honey we have it a little more difficult we stand on the side lines waiting and praying that our loved ones are okay and that we hear from them day to day. Our loved ones leave us for an x amount of months or even a year and you're loved one only leaves for a couple of days to a week and you think you have the right to tell military spouses to suck it up well be just fine....Bitch I'm sorry but walk in my shoes for a day and tell me that you're not tired, frustrated, irritable, and scared all at the same time just praying that someone doesn't show up at your door saying that your loved one is coming home in a damn body bag. And then try to tell me to suck it up again I bet you won't. Try raising your child and trying to explain where dada or momma is try explaining that to a 12 month old it's not easy is it. You say it's easy but it's not as easy as it looks....Yeah before I became a military wife I didn't know what it was like hell I never even knew of the struggles that we go through every damn day just trying to get a few moments to ourselves and trying to keep ourselves busy trying not to think about what our spouses are doing out there and not having any knowledge of it. So you tell me to suck it up when I'm having a bad day bitch until you have walked a mile in a military spouses shoes you will not know what it feels like to have a horrible day where all you want to do is curl up to your spouse and tell them all about it for them to make you feel better but NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT because your spouse is not in the military but you think you have the right to tell a woman that is feeling horrible and looking for support because she just found out that her husband is coming home in a box and that she will not get to hear the words "I love you" come from his lips again or feel his touch ever again to suck it the hell up and move on.

Excuse me but would you like it if I told you to suck it up if someone you loved dearly died and you never got to talk to them again I don't think so. Find something better to do then try to make military spouses feel worse then they already do. I'm done ranting and venting I really hope you do get my point if not then I hope someone gets it across to you because you're nothing but a split personality, psychotic, attention loving bitch because if you truely cared you would have more sympathy then what you have.

Dreams

I feel like I can't talk to anyone; I don't think I want to talk to anyone about what's been going on I'm actually distancing myself from everyone because I don't want anyone really to know what's going on....I've basically shut myself off from everyone except a few people and I'm not letting them really know what's going on either. Is it hurting me in the long run I don't know but I know right now that this is best for me and this is how I focus....So just let me be and deal with the emotions as they fall....I really wish D could have lived to see how far I've come and how happy I am....I had a dream the other night and we were just sitting out in the backyard like we used to do and just talking I was telling him about Zachary and how happy he makes me and about Lucas and how I can't live without either one of them. He told me he was happy before he vanished....It just made me start thinking about the old times.....Those were fun, stressful, and sad....but I wouldn't trade them for anything; they made me into the person that I am today. I've also been having dreams about my daddy....I don't know why I've been having these dreams; I guess I've been trying to put things into prospective subconsciously.
The dream that screwed me up the most was the one where I was telling Zachary I didn't want him to leave....and he was telling me that he knew; but he had to because it was his job...and I told him that I didn't know what I was going to do without him for a year.....I guess that's what I'm scared of most him leaving for a year.....I told him about it and he said he wouldn't ever leave for that long....in the back of my mind I know there's always a possibility. I still haven't told Zachary about the D thing....Should I is the question that keeps going through my mind. I will soon....

A letter to my sailor

Have you ever heard the saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I think I have actually discovered the truth in this saying.

You say that I'm strong but don't see me struggle everyday...You miss the tears, and many nights of tossing and turning or staying up late wondering what you're doing; You know you're safe and I sit up and worry until I get an email and am overjoyed to hear your voice. Yes, I knew this wasn't going to be easy; and yes I do get mad at you sometimes because I feel so helpless. You're not having to deal with what I'm having to deal with, but yet you are.....I love and miss you so much...every where I look I see you. Every song I hear; I hear you singing it to me. There are days where I just want to lay around and do nothing but can't because I have no help with our child.

You say I'm strong but I feel so weak.

I stay up late at night just to talk to you and get up early just to talk to you. I check my email and phone more than once an hour just to see if you sent an email; when I get up I immediately check my email or my phone to see if I have an email. Sometimes I wonder if I email to much or to little.

You say I am strong, but yet I feel so weak, You say I can do it and I don't think I can because it hurts like hell to do this all alone. I just have to keep telling myself that you didn't want to leave and you didn't choose to leave but you had to for your job. Everytime someone tells me thank you for what I do and I am beyond words and go straight into tears because I know the sacrifies now that all the other wives had to make when their husbands went away to war. I think about why and am filled with so much pride because I know you are out there somewhere making a difference in the world, in peoples lives. I know that through every storm, toil, tear, and heartache you will return to me as the man I love. To the Navy you might be just one person but to me you are everything, You are my hero.

In the almost 6 years that we have been together the hardest part was walking away and leaving you on August 27, 2010 not because I wanted to but because I had to. It took everything that I had to not to try to jump out of the car and run into your arms like I wanted to so badly. Honestly I think I could have made it to you even with everyone holding me back. The hardest part was watching you go....and seeing the hurt in your eyes...and not being able to do anything to make you feel better....It was letting the man go that I love and need more than anything in the world go....and trusting you to keep your word to come back to me safe and sound. It was trusting in God that he would give me the strength that I would need to get through the next months while you are away.

Sometimes I hurt so much that it's hard to explain. I have gone through so much, but yet felt so strong, but this time something is different. I don't feel as strong without you. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. Even being hundreds even thousands of miles away I know a part of me is always touching you. In your eyes I am perfect the way I am. In your eyes I am beautiful even if I don't feel like I am...In your eyes I am everything I understand that now...because you are the same to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you and miss you so much that it hurts; makes me restless most of the time. You are my life Zachary Alan Roche. I would change it for the world

Oklahoma!!!!!!

Wow it's been a while since I last blogged well we are now in Oklahoma. We've been very busy visiting family and keeping busy. We've been having so much fun and everyone is spoiling Lucas. It's hard to believe that he's 5 months old already he's not my little newborn boy anymore and I think it's finally hitting me that he can actually move around without my help now. I honestly do not know how much longer I can go without talking to Zach; this river city thing needs to stop I was supposed to get a phone call but still haven't recieved on yet. I think I'm going to go crazy but that's why I've been keeping myself busy. Lucas is getting a lot of new things as well. Today he got a new carseat and some new clothes and Thursday his grandma and grandpa got him some new toys. Oh my my is he getting spoiled. He's almost to big to fit in his 3/6 month onseys. I'm so proud of him though. Well I think I'm going to get off here and go to sleep because I have a lot of sleeping to catch up on because only sleeping for 13 to 17 hours in 4 weeks isn't a lot.....Missing my one and only forever and always....

home and I have you in my arms yet once again I love you.

they will be true yet once again and I will have my forever and always love. I can't wait counting down the months DCFN ROCHE can't wait until you come