I feel like I can't talk to anyone; I don't think I want to talk to anyone about what's been going on I'm actually distancing myself from everyone because I don't want anyone really to know what's going on....I've basically shut myself off from everyone except a few people and I'm not letting them really know what's going on either. Is it hurting me in the long run I don't know but I know right now that this is best for me and this is how I focus....So just let me be and deal with the emotions as they fall....I really wish D could have lived to see how far I've come and how happy I am....I had a dream the other night and we were just sitting out in the backyard like we used to do and just talking I was telling him about Zachary and how happy he makes me and about Lucas and how I can't live without either one of them. He told me he was happy before he vanished....It just made me start thinking about the old times.....Those were fun, stressful, and sad....but I wouldn't trade them for anything; they made me into the person that I am today. I've also been having dreams about my daddy....I don't know why I've been having these dreams; I guess I've been trying to put things into prospective subconsciously.
The dream that screwed me up the most was the one where I was telling Zachary I didn't want him to leave....and he was telling me that he knew; but he had to because it was his job...and I told him that I didn't know what I was going to do without him for a year.....I guess that's what I'm scared of most him leaving for a year.....I told him about it and he said he wouldn't ever leave for that long....in the back of my mind I know there's always a possibility. I still haven't told Zachary about the D thing....Should I is the question that keeps going through my mind. I will soon....
