Emotional Roller coaster

The nightmares are back and haunting me more and more each time I have them...I keep asking myself why does he keep haunting me; it's to the point that I'm afraid to sleep even though I know he's dead; that brings some kind of peace but I will always be haunted by the memories that I have. I wish there were some way to make them go away; maybe one day that will be a reality, but for now this is my reality. I need to take charge but I don't know how; I keep telling myself that I will take charge this is my dream and this bastard has no place in it...I keep trying to piece together why they keep happening wishing I could have a different nightmare for once or not have an nightmare haunting me.

I finally told Zachary and it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to have the courage for I thought that I would never get through it...I couldn't even let him touch me because it was so bad the memories were so vivid....I flipped out before hand, because my mind was going places that I was afraid it would go...I still don't know how to cope my body is trying to shut down because I'm exhausted. I'm beyond afraid to go to sleep....I hope that he understands why I'm so screwed up, why I never feel good enough, why I think that I shouldn't be loved. Why I feel dirty right after we do anything. First it was my cousin and then it was him...I always ask how could God let this happen to me, Why did this happen to me....why didn't I do something. Hopefully one day I can make sense of it all and stop blaming myself even though Zachary is the only one that said it wasn't my fault; I still blame myself half the time thinking how could I do things differently to prevent it and then get angry.

I know I have my bad days because of my disorder but I'm trying to overcome that and trying to be strong, but I feel hopeless and helpless at this point I don't know what else to do but look within myself and try to cope with it. On the worst days I don't realize that I flip shit and my emotions flip so often and fast that I take it out on the people that mean the most to me.